What Grows in the Dark?

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.” ~ Terry Pratchett

Among other things, I am a professional life coach and consultant. In that pursuit I have learned over the years that honesty is one of the most important character traits a person can possess. How do we protect that core value? We maintain and cultivate all important core values by making ourselves vulnerable to others and establishing some form of personal accountability. The reason for this is very simple: when left to our own devices, we will cut corners and cheat every time! This fact is as solidly established as the law of gravity. Be careful! You cannot trust your heart or conscience. Over time we will change our convictions to fit the circumstances and our philosophical standards will not hold. We can talk ourselves into almost anything over time.

Some of my closest friends bristle at the idea of accountability and I don’t blame them. Opening our heart to others leaves us very vulnerable and they can hurt us if we do not choose our confidants carefully. Even when extremely cautious, we will sometimes be betrayed. But the prize is worth the risk and the more vulnerable we intentionally make ourselves, the stronger we will become.

I had a very close friend who did not understand this principle. Consequently he had many secrets. Over time he amassed so many dark secrets in his life that he eventually imploded and came apart at the seams. He developed an alcohol and drug problem; he was addicted to pornography and eventually his family and professional life came apart. When I say we were close, I mean that I loved him very much and yet he never came clean even with me. When he eventually committed suicide, I was devastated. I could see the erosion in his life, but I was helpless to assist him because he would not let me in. His secrets kept on growing in the dark and eventually they became monsters which destroyed his life. I become emotional even speaking about his loss. It haunts me to this very day. He was in many ways a fabulous human being and far superior to me, but he never learned to expose his secrets to the light and they crushed him.

You have heard it said that “no man is an island” and it’s true. You must engage others in your life and trust them to care for and encourage you along the way. You cannot bear your burdens alone. Bring them to the light and they will die. Leave them in the dark and they will grow. They will only come into the light kicking and screaming. It will be painful and they will fight you all the way, but the reward may be to save your life. There is no substitute for honesty and accountability between friends.

“Est rosa flos Veneris cujus quo furta laterent.”

“The discourses of the table among true loving friends are held in strict silence.” ~ Sir Thomas Browne

Crutches

My beautiful daughter had an injury recently and needed crutches to get around for weeks afterward. Actually, she needed more than that, but her crutches were the last thing to go. It wasn't easy to give them up either. At first they were essential and then they became less important physically but more and more important psychologically.

Eliminating your crutches is not as easy as you might think. There is a fine line between giving them up at the correct time and giving them up too early, which might cause you to develop a limp that you could carry with you the rest of your life.

We all have something we use as a crutch. When we are in trouble a crutch may be just the thing to help us out; that’s not entirely bad, but we need to get rid of the crutch at the right time so we can learn to walk on our own again.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but nothing is meant to be our perpetual crutch. In reality, the plan is for us to eventually be able to stand on our own intellectually, emotionally and psychologically. We will never be able to handle all our own problems, but we must learn to be normal to the fullest extent possible. We are all dependent to a certain extent but we must not be permanently debilitated by our situation or circumstances. The goal for each of us is that we would be complete and whole as an individual.

The danger is in not finding the balance between trying to go it alone in life and ending up limping through it, or never trying to walk on our own and not maturing to become that which we were intended to be.

“Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work.” ~ H. L. Hunt