Expectations

This picture came to my inbox today and got me thinking about “Expectations.” I once saw an interview of Warren Buffet and his longtime partner (who no one has ever heard of) Charlie Munger. The question was asked of them how they got along so well for so many years? They glanced at each other and without hesitation Charlie said,” We have very low expectations of one another.” Wow! There is an insight that everyone needs to understand!

As we approach Christmas, what does this truth mean to us? First it means that God has low expectations of you and me. When God became a man (Jesus Christ), he was willing to sacrifice everything and humble himself in the hope that we would respond to his free gift of love but he had no assurance we would. He had high hopes but low expectations of our desire to reconnect with him as our savior and creator. He gives with no expectation of a return on his investment. He even offers to pay the price of our admission to heaven for free. All we need to do is believe in him.

Secondly, we need to lower our expectations of God. Not because he cannot deliver but because when he does deliver it is always out of love and not because we demand it. We also need to understand that as God, he knows best and therefore does not give us everything we expect or even want because it would undoubtedly ruin our lives. We give ourselves to God with no expectation of what he will do with our life. We simply know that he has our best at heart.

Thirdly, we will get along better with others if we lower our expectations of them. Not only are you imperfect but so is everyone else. Let’s stop judging others by our own standards. That does not mean we expect nothing but let’s realize that there is a lot more going on than we realize and we need to be as generous as possible in expressing our judgment of others. We can afford to lower our expectations of others and it will reap large dividends.

When God became a man over 2000 years ago and lived among us, he gave up all his Kingly prerogatives to show us how much he loved us. In this Christmas Season are you willing to follow his example? This is the secret to a long-lasting relationship with God and others.

“For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.” Luke 2:11-12 King James Version (KJV)

What Happened to the Light?

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

The light was there first and then came the darkness. We have lost our way and wander in darkness. Unless we seek out the light we will be lost. But where do we go to find the light and how can it be restored so we can all walk in the light continuously and habitually?

The first step is to realize that we ourselves are not the light. That is not to say that we cannot have light within us or that we do not have any good in us at all. But our natural propensity is not to seek out the light but rather we love the darkness more than the light. You see light exposes darkness and we all have some dark secrets and behavior that we would rather not have exposed.

When we are committed to bring the light to those in darkness, we will face adversity. I was raised in a very strict and conservative environment. There is nothing wrong with that and I am not ashamed of it. But my mistake in that early stage of life was to think that those in darkness were somehow not as good as me… and I definitely gave off that vibe. This was very unhelpful in my relationships and alienated me from those who needed what I had access to. So the second step is to realize that we are just mirrors who can reflect the light but in substance we are no better than those in darkness. We are all really the same. If we do not grasp this immediately, we are destined to lose contact with those we seek to serve. Someone has said it best when he said,” we are just beggars seeking to show other beggars where we have found bread.”

The light can be found only on a spiritual plane. It is not the way of the world and the world generally does not operate according to the light. Again, we see many good things in the world and they are useful to us, but we should not be deceived into thinking that the world is friendly to the light. Its systems are dramatically opposed to the light and they will undermine our journey to the light if we do not stay vigilant.

Let’s take the notion of love as an example. I love my wife and she is precious to me. But that does not mean I always act in love toward her in every situation. In fact, most times I act in my own self interest and not hers. I don’t mean to behave in this way nor is it my design, but I naturally slip into this pattern if I am not constantly vigilant.

The third step is to realize that our combined light shines brighter than we can ever shine alone. By that I mean that we should associate with others who have the same values, encourage one another and hold one another accountable to operate in a certain way. Community is essential to light-bearers. We cannot fight this battle on our own and if we try to do so, we will fail. Seek out those who walk in the light.

Lastly we have an obligation to take the light to those in darkness. Most people who walk habitually in the darkness do not consciously understand their plight and will not naturally seek out the light on their own. I have been fortunate to have a series of very committed and wise friends in my life that brought the light to me. At times it was painful when they revealed my darkness to me. They had to be persistent and patient with me and teach me how to be a light-bearer over many years. I can easily slip off the path if I do not stay alert and practice habits that will keep me in the light. Their light exposed my darkness …many times without saying a word. The comparison of my behavior to theirs was often enough to help me see my error. Will you join me in seeking to be a light in a dark world?

“As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” ~ Carl Jung

What Grows in the Dark?

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.” ~ Terry Pratchett

Among other things, I am a professional life coach and consultant. In that pursuit I have learned over the years that honesty is one of the most important character traits a person can possess. How do we protect that core value? We maintain and cultivate all important core values by making ourselves vulnerable to others and establishing some form of personal accountability. The reason for this is very simple: when left to our own devices, we will cut corners and cheat every time! This fact is as solidly established as the law of gravity. Be careful! You cannot trust your heart or conscience. Over time we will change our convictions to fit the circumstances and our philosophical standards will not hold. We can talk ourselves into almost anything over time.

Some of my closest friends bristle at the idea of accountability and I don’t blame them. Opening our heart to others leaves us very vulnerable and they can hurt us if we do not choose our confidants carefully. Even when extremely cautious, we will sometimes be betrayed. But the prize is worth the risk and the more vulnerable we intentionally make ourselves, the stronger we will become.

I had a very close friend who did not understand this principle. Consequently he had many secrets. Over time he amassed so many dark secrets in his life that he eventually imploded and came apart at the seams. He developed an alcohol and drug problem; he was addicted to pornography and eventually his family and professional life came apart. When I say we were close, I mean that I loved him very much and yet he never came clean even with me. When he eventually committed suicide, I was devastated. I could see the erosion in his life, but I was helpless to assist him because he would not let me in. His secrets kept on growing in the dark and eventually they became monsters which destroyed his life. I become emotional even speaking about his loss. It haunts me to this very day. He was in many ways a fabulous human being and far superior to me, but he never learned to expose his secrets to the light and they crushed him.

You have heard it said that “no man is an island” and it’s true. You must engage others in your life and trust them to care for and encourage you along the way. You cannot bear your burdens alone. Bring them to the light and they will die. Leave them in the dark and they will grow. They will only come into the light kicking and screaming. It will be painful and they will fight you all the way, but the reward may be to save your life. There is no substitute for honesty and accountability between friends.

“Est rosa flos Veneris cujus quo furta laterent.”

“The discourses of the table among true loving friends are held in strict silence.” ~ Sir Thomas Browne

Trad'in Up?

Do what you can, where you are, with what you've got." - Teddy Roosevelt

I was raised in the home of a medical doctor. Dad made a good living and provided just about everything we wanted as I was growing up. But the fact is that he and my mother scrimped and saved just to get through Medical school and it profoundly affected both of them and the way our family viewed money. As a result, I don’t waste anything nor am I a spendthrift. When my wife and I first got married, we had more conflict over money matters than probably any other issue – that was 30 years ago and things have changed drastically in the past three decades.

As I was watching TV, I saw an AD for the latest, greatest phone and it occurred to me that I never wear out my phones; I just trade them in on new ones with more and better features - the same is true of cameras, computers and the list goes on. How about you? Our culture is accustomed to “trading up” not “wearing out” the things we use in our life.

What about non-technology like clothes or cars and maybe even relationships? We had some long-time friends who seem to have traded us in on new ones about 2 years ago. When we asked why we didn’t get together anymore, the reply was that they were moving into a different season of their life. It wasn’t just us. They dropped out of church and don’t communicate with most of their old circle of acquaintances. Their decision was very painful and oh so unnecessary.

I see this occasionally in marriages too. One spouse just trades their husband or wife in on a new model. I don’t get it. Well, maybe I can understand getting a new phone, but not a new partner! Figure out how to make your life better by you becoming better, not by ditching those who love you. That will never work, because you will still be stuck with you and that is probably what was broke in the first place… and maybe some of that other old stuff is worth hanging on to for awhile longer? I’m still waiting for my old friends to wake up and come back home.

"Figure out how to make your life better by fixing the old stuff when it breaks."

The Last One to Let You Down

“But friendship is precious; not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” - Thomas Jefferson

Former Senator Sam Nunn from Georgia was a wonderful gentleman and a strong leader. In his coat pocket, he always carried a very small leather-bound New Testament which he had received years ago from his special friend, Billy Graham. Mr. Graham was not just a public figure, he was a man on a mission and it positively affected everyone who encountered him. Now that is true friendship; to leave a spiritual impact on those around us! What kind of impact have you had on your friends? What kind of impact have your friends had on you?

When I was in my late 20’s and just starting out in my career, an older wiser man invited me out to lunch because he wanted to have a straight talk with me. He had observed some dangerous tendencies in my life and was willing to point them out to me as a friend. I was surprised and crushed by his words at the same time. From my vantage point, everything he thought he was seeing in me was wrong and I was an innocent person. Oh, really?! In the coming days, weeks and even years, I came to see the truth of some of his observations and at the very least, the danger of appearing to have some bad attitudes by the way I behaved.

That old man remained my faithful friend to the day he died not long ago and his words still help me. But I have had the other sort of friend too. Those who have not stood by me in need and some who were of bad character and dragged me down by their defective world view. Be very careful of the friends you choose. They have a dramatic impact on how you interpret life and the choices you make. The same can be said of business associates, partners, your spouse and anyone else you let into your life. If we choose foolish people to share our world we will end up as a fool our self.

We all need at least 6 good friends because that’s how many men it will take to
carry our casket to the grave. Quite literally, your friends should be the last to let you down.

“Choose your friends carefully.”

Bad Taste In Your Mouth

“Gossip is a sort of smoke that comes from the dirty tobacco-pipes of those who diffuse it: it proves nothing but the bad taste of the smoker.” - George Eliot

Can you control your tongue? Few of us have mastered this small part of our anatomy. You have heard it said, that “the only time some people open their mouth, is to change feet!” A foot is sure to leave a bad taste in anyone’s mouth. Our tongue is a powerful force which can be used for good or evil. Try to master yours if you can.

Some leaders don’t realize the power of the words coming out of their mouth. Everything they say has an impact just by virtue of their personality and position. And because they are in charge, there is often no one who will openly point out their fault.

In college I had a friend who was always criticizing others. It got so bad that I found myself thinking about ways to avoid spending any serious time together. Then it hit me that I had a responsibility to redirect his thinking and behavior. I could be a positive influence in his life that would possibly redirect his negativity. What a blessing to my soul when he commented one day that I had impressed him with how kind my remarks seemed to be about others and that I had caused him to reflect on how he could improve in this area of his own life. The message had come through to his heart without having to preach a sermon to my friend.

When you have something important to say – how do you go about it? When you have something that doesn’t need to be said, can you keep your mouth shut? Putting our foot in our own mouth is only surpassed in recklessness by cramming our ideas down someone else’s throat – both can leave an equally bad taste behind and might even cause someone to choke!

“Learn to harness the power of your tongue and use it wisely.”

Believe In Me

“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.” – Karen Ravn

I have been blessed to be surrounded by many wonderful friends who can be brutally honest with me when needed. They tell me when I am on track and when I am not. When their feedback tells me I need a course correction, it is usually done in a positive way so I can receive it with benefit. I'm thankful for those kind of friends.

A good friend believes in you but doesn't only say what you want to hear. They are an encourager who shores you up when you are down and brings you down to earth when you are too high on yourself. A friend is a leveler.

My life has been riddled with great successes and sometimes even greater failures. The usual course of action is to hide the failure and publish the success, but as I grow older I am not inclined to do that so much. What I want most is to learn the valuable lessons embedded in my failures so I can become the person I am intended to be. I don't usually learn much from my success.

Failure is not fatal unless we run from it. Our success is far more likely to damage us because it can create an unreliable sense of importance that causes us to think more highly of our self than we ought. Success should never make us feel invincible because that is when we are most vulnerable. On the other hand, success can give us the confidence we need to attempt that which is beyond our immediate reach; it helps us believe in our self when no one else does.

I seem to have always had encouragers around me. When my life was the darkest, they gave me light. I want to do that for others too. I want to have the eyes to see the need in those around me and a tongue that will speak the words of life they need to hear. What a wonderful impact we could have if we valued others in that way.

I want to be a “Believer.”I need to believe in myself and to have others believe in me too. I cannot ever give up on myself and hope those around me never will either. I want to believe in people who are failing; to believe they can succeed. I want to lift them up with my words of encouragement and show them that their failures will never be fatal if they use them wisely to build a foundation for their future success. I want them to realize that everything which comes into our life is useful if properly employed. I want to believe in others the way I need for them to believe in me.

“Encouragement is the mortar holding our failures and successes together like bricks so we can make something beautiful of our life.”

The Message of Leadership

I wrote the Message of Leadership as an inspirational book for leaders of all kinds. It contains 31 daily readings on different topics inspired by the 31 chapters of the ancient book of Proverbs which was written by the wisest man who ever lived.

My goal was to combine these proverbs with pithy personal insights and stories that will make a leader think about the way they exert their gift of leadership on those around them. It is suitable as a gift for those graduating from school, leaders in government, teachers, business associates, moms or anyone who leads others or aspires to do so. I originally intended it as a special way to say thanks to those who give of themselves for our benefit.

Not only will you get my inspirational thoughts, but you will also receive the entire book of Proverbs as translated by Eugene Peterson in "The Message." The volume comes either in the regular paperback edition or a special first edition cover and I will gladly autograph it to you upon request. This book is available directly from: http://www.danielsouthern.com/products.html

I hope this little book of insights will be a blessing to you.

Give or Take?

In almost 35 years of experience in the workplace, I have found that it is unusual to find businesses or individuals who give as much as they take. It is understandable that this occurs since we are all scrambling for resources, especially in this current economic environment, but the result will be to brand ourselves as “takers” and not “givers.”

It is far too easy to slip into a mindset of being the only one who has needs and to justify our attitude by the fact that we are doing something important.

To combat this sense of selfishness, I have made it a deliberate goal to give back as often as I can. I attempt to do this, not necessarily in kind, but from what I have. For example, if I am raising money, it is not necessary for me to give the donor an expensive gift in appreciation. But I can invest in them by helping in their personal journey through giving my time and being a genuine and caring friend. If I can help by offering advice or just a listening ear, I try to do so. I proactively seek opportunities to invest in the lives of others; not just selling advice as a consultant but to extend myself to those with whom I interact.

Here are 10 things you can give a friend that won’t cost you a cent!

1. Your heart – everyone needs at least 6 friends to carry them to their grave.
2. Your eyes – honestly tell them what you see from your perspective.
3. Yours hands – maybe you can do them a favor in a time of need.
4. Your ears – listen to them and demonstrate your care for them.
5. Your feet – “go with them” and walk a mile in their shoes.
6. Your nose – tell them what “stinks” if your intuition tells you something smells bad.
7. Your mouth – encouraging words and words of support will go a long way.
8. Your back – there may be a time to withdraw your support if they are in the wrong.
9. Your prayers – talk to God about them and let them know you are doing it.
10. Your experience – don’t let them waste their time learning something you already know.

"Try being a giver as an expression of gratitude for all that you have received and you will be amazed how it blesses you in return"