She'll Steal Your Heart

“I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure.” – John D. Rockefeller

Illicit sex and moral laxity are more readily accepted in our culture than they should be. The implications of this permissiveness go far deeper than one might think. Anything that ignites our desires and passions to the detriment of our good judgment and common sense could be considered a harlot who would potentially steal our heart and fracture our life.

Who or what is the harlot that wants to steal your life? What is it that has potential to bring ruin upon you if you give in to its unhealthy attraction? It might be sex, food, drugs, lust for power or influence – maybe it is ambition. The very definition of an addiction is a compulsion to embrace destructive behavior despite its detrimental effects. We have seen this weakness illustrated time and again in the lives of famous men and women who are consumed by some uncontrolled appetite. Is there anything in your life that you find yourself doing no matter how bad the potential consequences may be?

We don’t usually set out to destroy our self. More than likely, we are just trying to have a good time or escape the pressures of our life for a while by having a little fun. Years ago in Wheeling, WV I met a brilliant flame that burned out too early; his name was Roger Miller. Backstage, Roger was about to go out for a performance. He was drunk and smoking like a house on fire. Roger was a man of great musical talent and humor – a gifted individual, but just a few short years later he was dead of cancer at the age of 56. His untimely death was undoubtedly hastened by his bad habits and a fast life lived on the road. What a tragic waste! All the talent in the world could not overcome the harlot of hard living and the reckless pursuit of pleasure.

If we have a clear mission in our life we will not be easily distracted by the sideshows along the way. A lot of leaders push themselves very hard most of the time and in that environment it is easy to tell yourself that you deserve a little break from the pressure. I agree with that philosophy; work hard and play hard. The problems come in the choice of our play. Take time to relax and give yourself some margin, by all means, but don’t do something stupid that could erase all your hard work up to now.

Find appropriate outlets for your recreation that will let you slow down and enjoy yourself but that do not have the potential to destroy you. Take time to think, rest, reflect and enjoy others – all with the thought of building yourself up, not tearing yourself down.

“Don’t give in to your unseemly passions. Learn to have fun without letting it become wreck-reation.”

Protecting Home Plate

“The most important persuasion tool you have in your entire arsenal is integrity.” - Zig Zigler

If I had the space here and you had the time, I would innumerate some of the horrible results of sexual infidelity I have personally observed over the years and chronicle for you how destructive and predictable each scenario has been.

As a young boy, my parents’ divorce devastated me. I was 17 and my brother was 15. Our whole world seemed to fall apart when we discovered the terrible truth that was affecting us so harshly. And it didn’t affect only us; it caused an implosion in the lives of everyone around us. The damage is still evident today – almost 40 years later.

I was a guest on a famous Christian couple’s television set several years ago. As I visited with the various personalities before the program, I could feel how plastic and superficial the atmosphere was in that place but could not lay my finger on why I was catching that vibe. Toward the end of my visit I was told directly that one very attractive staff woman was the “former wife” of one of the other staff on the program who was now sporting a new wife who also worked there. I could not understand how that would be the case in a so-called “Christian ministry” and was very disturbed by the nonchalant manner in which this had been shared with me – like it was no big deal. Months later we all discovered this was only the tip of the iceberg as news came to the public of the fall of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker’s PTL Club. To me it came as a sad confirmation.

Sexual morality is the foundation of healthy relationships with others. That may seem like an outdated idea but I have seen it proven true over and over again. What a person does in their private life is a strong indication of what is going on in their heart. And what could be more private than the sexual relationship you have with your spouse? If a leader is unfaithful to his spouse, he is unfaithful to all who would follow him. This is so because the marriage relationship is foundational to all other relationships we form in society and mirrors our character.

Whether you entered into your marriage carefully as a responsible adult or impulsively as an immature kid; your marriage is a lifelong promise to fidelity – and leaders keep their promises. Marriage is a commitment to stay with a partner regardless of failure or disappointment and is the greatest example of integrity we have in human relationships. Even if we are single, marriage is the “gold standard” by which all other relationships are measured. It is based on a promise that puts someone else’s interests ahead of our own.

The argument is often proffered, “Why should I spend the rest of my life suffering for a single mistake I made in choosing a bad marriage partner?” I would answer with another question, “Does running from bad decisions, solve them?” No, we solve problems by working through them. And even if we cannot solve a problem, we try with all our resources to do so before we change direction. Then we live with any negative consequences knowing we did everything we could to avoid them. A bad marriage is a terrible thing – we all know that. But in a day and age when everything seems disposable, whatever happened to keeping your word even when it hurts you? I value my reputation for integrity more than my personal comfort.

A leader must be willing to serve his followers regardless of the cost. Leadership, like marriage, is as much a responsibility as it is a privilege and is based on trust earned over time through hard work. If a follower cannot trust you, they will not follow you. Personal integrity is a foundational principal on which your leadership is affirmed.

“Integrity starts at home. Learn to be a person of your word and stick with your commitments even when you no longer feel like it.”

The Heart of the Matter

“The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence, but in the mastery of his passions.” - Alfred Lord Tennyson

In the West we consider our heart the seat of our emotions but this is not necessarily so in other cultures. For example in Africa it is the liver. So in Africa we would not say, “still your heart,” but rather, “don’t let your liver quiver.” It’s not the words but the meaning that I want to get across; guard your heart!

Our emotions are a powerful force. Do you control them or do they control you? Much evil can arise from our passion or a great deal of good can be accomplished if the focus of our heart is properly directed.

As we mature, we should learn to control our passions; but this discipline requires a philosophical decision we must make well ahead of the practical test. Just as moral spontaneity is a breeding ground for ethical failure, so personal discipline and careful forethought can play an important role in helping us to pre-determine our behavior as we face the challenges of life.

We can lose our leadership in an unguarded moment because we lost our temper. I have seen prominent executives totally blow their reputation and moral authority in the snap of the fingers because of their unbridled anger. Unfortunately it is possible to destroy something you have worked to build up over a lifetime, in a matter of seconds if you let your passions get the better of you.

I once over-reacted to an individual I was directing in a major event. He was accusatory and even insulting in his words and tone. His disrespect was palpable. For a split second I thought,” should I tell him what I think of his behavior?” Before I realized what I had done, I had taken him into a private room and given him a piece of my mind. Well, that was a big mistake on my part. He never forgave me and later even tried to hurt my reputation because I gave in to my anger for just a moment. Even though I was right and won the battle, I lost the war and the moral high ground. My anger made me wrong.

On another occasion, I can remember sitting across the table from a very angry person who dumped a truckload of accusation on me. I felt threatened and wanted to retaliate, but resisted the temptation and kept cool. I told them I was sorry they felt that way and we parted until the heat of the conversation had mitigated. Later, that same individual came to me with an apology and an admission of their own failure in the situation. And in doing so, they told me that my composure had brought them to this realization. My self-control made me right.

I love passionate people but we must learn to contain our emotion through our will and intellect. If we practice thinking through our values and priorities before the adrenaline starts to pump, we can have the mastery over our impulses. Many a high school date has taken a turn towards promiscuity because the couple had not wisely determined what their behavior should be before the windows were steamed up.

Because so few men can control their passions, if you can find a way to channel the same energy you might expend in self-gratification or anger into something positive, you will propel yourself into an elite category of superstardom. Your passion is a steam engine that can be morally neutral and used constructively if you decide that is what you want to do. Use the same energy that would normally erupt as anger or unbridled passion and channel it into a listening and patient demeanor. I absolutely guarantee it will get you a much better result and save you a lot of embarrassment.

“Decide to channel your passions into a positive force in your life.”